Sunday, May 07, 2006
Email marketing mistakes
We make a lot of mistaken conclusions about email. The truth of the matter is this: spam works. If it didn't work, there wouldn't be any of it. How do I know? Because they can count the replies... Junk mail works or there wouldn't be any of it, for the same reason. (What I want to know is, how do they know about the size of my penis? And the Viagra?)
The vast majority of cold-call email I receive is spam. Some of it I like. I never open it tho, just laugh at the headings, many of which must be written in Azerbejani or Russian, then translated into Moroccan and then into English.
Here's a selection of my favourites:
"you 2 small" (To the point.)
"You think you need a crane to lift your dick?" (If I was that big I wouldn't need all these enlargement pills.)
"aAre you tired of your fr1end bragging about having wonderfuI sex every
night?" (I don't have any friends. my dick too small.)
"Make her worship you!" (After all, the only thing a woman wants is a good rogering.)
"Ejaculate like a porn star!" (I am a porn star, you fools. My screen name is Buck Naked.)
"You always wanted to use your penis as a billiards cue." (No. It wasn't me. I'd settle on using my penis as a penis.)
Then came the evidence that the Russian mafia, which sends out most of this stuff, had kidnapped a country and western songwriter:
"Make her scream from the surprise ˆ of your new gigantic size. Try Virility Patch Penis enlargement pills."
"Your dick is your visit card, so
make it big and make it hard. Tr y Advanced Gain Pro Penis Enlargement Pills"
Imagine trying to fit this into your pants: "Virility Patch Penis enlargement pills will make your penis as long as the
river Amazon." (Try getting that past the Advertising Standards Council.)
When all this failed, they got personal:
"For your wife‚s last b-day you gave her a vibrator because of your hopeless Erectile Dysfunction." (Are they watching me?)
But my all time favourite, with a propositon that is every man's dream:
"With our Soft Cialis Tabs you can have sex:
Anytime.
Anywhere.
With anyone you want.
As long as you want.
As often as you want."
(I'm having trouble believing this.)
Why don't respectable companies and big brands use spam, if it works? (Because they can't find someone to write copy like that.) ¶ 4:39 PM
The vast majority of cold-call email I receive is spam. Some of it I like. I never open it tho, just laugh at the headings, many of which must be written in Azerbejani or Russian, then translated into Moroccan and then into English.
Here's a selection of my favourites:
"you 2 small" (To the point.)
"You think you need a crane to lift your dick?" (If I was that big I wouldn't need all these enlargement pills.)
"aAre you tired of your fr1end bragging about having wonderfuI sex every
night?" (I don't have any friends. my dick too small.)
"Make her worship you!" (After all, the only thing a woman wants is a good rogering.)
"Ejaculate like a porn star!" (I am a porn star, you fools. My screen name is Buck Naked.)
"You always wanted to use your penis as a billiards cue." (No. It wasn't me. I'd settle on using my penis as a penis.)
Then came the evidence that the Russian mafia, which sends out most of this stuff, had kidnapped a country and western songwriter:
"Make her scream from the surprise ˆ of your new gigantic size. Try Virility Patch Penis enlargement pills."
"Your dick is your visit card, so
make it big and make it hard. Tr y Advanced Gain Pro Penis Enlargement Pills"
Imagine trying to fit this into your pants: "Virility Patch Penis enlargement pills will make your penis as long as the
river Amazon." (Try getting that past the Advertising Standards Council.)
When all this failed, they got personal:
"For your wife‚s last b-day you gave her a vibrator because of your hopeless Erectile Dysfunction." (Are they watching me?)
But my all time favourite, with a propositon that is every man's dream:
"With our Soft Cialis Tabs you can have sex:
Anytime.
Anywhere.
With anyone you want.
As long as you want.
As often as you want."
(I'm having trouble believing this.)
Why don't respectable companies and big brands use spam, if it works? (Because they can't find someone to write copy like that.) ¶ 4:39 PM
